brian
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Posts: 83
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Post by brian on Apr 28, 2013 5:50:50 GMT 1
Endless rebirth, endless samsara...this is the ongoing experience in my repetitive life. I see clearly how my mind is so dysfunctional and compulsive. I truly wonder if I have any control over it. I feel completely subservient to my body and it's pains and needs. When I am tired and in pain I am not enlightened. When I am hungry and wanting, I am not enlightened. When I have aches and itches, I am not enlightened. The human body just seems like such a horrible vechicle for such a "noble" mind. Our bodies, our flesh, is the greatest obstacle to becoming like Buddha.
When I have to urinate or deficate, I am not enlightened. I am rarely if ever enlightened. I can't imagine a person being enlightened in this ever decaying body. The sad thing is that I can't escape or become totally detached from the neck down. My body will always be my luggage. This is the cause of my endless suffering and endless habits. I hate the way I feel and the way that I am. Deep down inside, this is my realization. I feel like I have wasted my life and I will continue to do so. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I should do. I'm just existing in this meaningless life without any purpose or love. Buddha's wisdom and meditation isn't helping me. I am just a product of my environment and genetics. I don't know where I have to go to be at peace. I can't do it here in this messed up head and messed up body.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't handle it. I always succumb to desire and familiarities. To be honest, I am a pathetic person. I am a mooch, a drunk, and an extremely selfish individual. But I have nothing better to look forward to. I have no real love in my heart. I can't generate it. I don't feel love for others anymore. I am completely indifferent. I really don't care. I just know that I will always be a disappointment to myself. I,I,I,I,I the whole beautiful world revolves around me and I decide to be ignorant and self loathing. I'm nothing but a strain to this F** ed up society. I need to get away into the Himalayas and let it all go, including my pathetic, meaningless life.
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Post by Mandala on Apr 28, 2013 14:20:46 GMT 1
I don't know what I should do. Center yourself. Nurture yourself. It seems you are experiencing one of your wide pendulum swings...it will pass. |
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brian
Senior Member
Posts: 83
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Post by brian on Apr 28, 2013 22:49:17 GMT 1
Thx Mandala, good to hear from you again. You are right but therein lies the very problem of samsara. It is this endless cycle of death and rebirth within my own lifetime that keeps me chained. The same mistakes keep reoccuring in my life. The same thoughts keep reoccuring in my mind. I don't know if this is the illusion of permanence and a solid self or if it is me grasping at it. All I know is that I am getting really fed up with it.
I want to strangle myself sometimes for being so foolish and selfish and cowardly. I'm not a person who would ever commit suicide but I am a person who would be content to just give up on life by simply sleeping it all away. I just have no purpose to my life which makes everything self-destructive look all the more attractive.
I don't think I have it in me to match Buddha's great teachings. I can speak well of the dharma and I admire it very much but as far as "living the way", I will always tell others that is extremely difficult and unattractive. Just sitting down meditating everyday is something most people see as a waste of time. In this world with so many internal and external distractions and indulgences of every kind, coupled with the fact of my physical annoyances, the chance of me ever becoming enlightened is slim to none.
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graham
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Posts: 96
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Post by graham on Apr 29, 2013 6:06:02 GMT 1
Endless rebirth, endless samsara...this is the ongoing experience in my repetitive life. I see clearly how my mind is so dysfunctional and compulsive. I truly wonder if I have any control over it. I feel completely subservient to my body and it's pains and needs. When I am tired and in pain I am not enlightened. When I am hungry and wanting, I am not enlightened. When I have aches and itches, I am not enlightened. The human body just seems like such a horrible vechicle for such a "noble" mind. Our bodies, our flesh, is the greatest obstacle to becoming like Buddha. When I have to urinate or deficate, I am not enlightened. I am rarely if ever enlightened. I can't imagine a person being enlightened in this ever decaying body. The sad thing is that I can't escape or become totally detached from the neck down. My body will always be my luggage. This is the cause of my endless suffering and endless habits. I hate the way I feel and the way that I am. Deep down inside, this is my realization. I feel like I have wasted my life and I will continue to do so. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I should do. I'm just existing in this meaningless life without any purpose or love. Buddha's wisdom and meditation isn't helping me. I am just a product of my environment and genetics. I don't know where I have to go to be at peace. I can't do it here in this messed up head and messed up body. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't handle it. I always succumb to desire and familiarities. To be honest, I am a pathetic person. I am a mooch, a drunk, and an extremely selfish individual. But I have nothing better to look forward to. I have no real love in my heart. I can't generate it. I don't feel love for others anymore. I am completely indifferent. I really don't care. I just know that I will always be a disappointment to myself. I,I,I,I,I the whole beautiful world revolves around me and I decide to be ignorant and self loathing. I'm nothing but a strain to this F** ed up society. I need to get away into the Himalayas and let it all go, including my pathetic, meaningless life. Do something to help someone else, and stop thinking about yourself. A life lived just for one's self has no meaning. |
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Post by Rudy on Apr 29, 2013 17:12:09 GMT 1
Hi Brian, I can't agree more then with Graham's post. By the way, if you keep calling suffering and cyclic existence endless, then it will become endless... Much wiser to call it beginningless. However much you may deny it, I think you have made a good start at changing yourself - even with your mails in this forum.  Of course, in the beginning (where I am), it can feel pretty hopeless sometimes, it seems so incredibley far to go to enlightenment. But the realization that there is a lot of work to do on our mind and how we perceive the world is probably the most important first step on the spiritual path, and you have clearly taken that first step. The rest takes a lot of 'joyous effort', determination and huge amounts of patience - also with ourselves. We live in a society where we have gotten used to everything instantaneously: food, communication, we can even have houses that are fit to live in within a few days... Unfortunately, making an end to cyclic existence has yet to be 'modernized' like that.  |
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brian
Senior Member
Posts: 83
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Post by brian on Apr 29, 2013 18:31:18 GMT 1
Thank you graham and Rudy for the advice. I think that me being fed up with my usual way of doing things is a step in the right direction. It is a strong motivation for me to change.
And helping and thinking of others IS much better than dwelling on one's self.
I am strange in that I am kind of a loner. I am kind of anti-social. I generally spend alot of time by myself. I don't particularly enjoy being around other people all the time. Yet I do want to be more social and friendly. Sometimes I am but I'd say that most times I'm not. I don't know if it is fear or shyness or just plain apathy that keeps me aloof. I don't particularly like being such a selfish person but it just seems like the natural way to be.
I'm really sorry for whining like this. I guess that really deep down inside I feel very lonely. I feel that my life is passing me by and I'm not really living it. I need to do something pretty drastic. I am relatively free to do anything. I can move to Tibet in a few months if I wanted to. I want to be part of a cause or a movement. Something bigger than my petty self.
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Post by Rudy on Apr 30, 2013 8:54:21 GMT 1
Yes, you can go to Tibet or whatever, but you may soon discover that we all carry our own petty self with us all the time, wherever we are.
I think it is not necessarily wrong to be a bit of a loner, and not be overly social. For quite a few people, their way of being extremely social may merely be to forget about their own problems in a crowd or just partying around the whole time. As a loner, perhaps you can take advantage of that by study and meditation on a regular basis...
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Post by Mandala on Apr 30, 2013 12:57:51 GMT 1
I don't think I have it in me to match Buddha's great teachings. The Buddha turned away from the path of self-abuse, chose to nurture his health and self-compassion, and began again strengthened. He understood that health was a foundation to discernment. While you have set out on the path of recovery and healing, from time to time you take a bungee-jump over a sewage lake of negativity and are left dangling like a dingle-berry. You focus on all the waste, but don't mention the flowers until you are able to pull yourself above the pit. We come back to the same old question, self-pity or self-compassion? |
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shaun
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Posts: 21
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Post by shaun on Apr 30, 2013 13:21:07 GMT 1
Thank you graham and Rudy for the advice. I think that me being fed up with my usual way of doing things is a step in the right direction. It is a strong motivation for me to change. And helping and thinking of others IS much better than dwelling on one's self. I am strange in that I am kind of a loner. I am kind of anti-social. I generally spend alot of time by myself. I don't particularly enjoy being around other people all the time. Yet I do want to be more social and friendly. Sometimes I am but I'd say that most times I'm not. I don't know if it is fear or shyness or just plain apathy that keeps me aloof. I don't particularly like being such a selfish person but it just seems like the natural way to be. I'm really sorry for whining like this. I guess that really deep down inside I feel very lonely. I feel that my life is passing me by and I'm not really living it. I need to do something pretty drastic. I am relatively free to do anything. I can move to Tibet in a few months if I wanted to. I want to be part of a cause or a movement. Something bigger than my petty self. Firstly Brian, I have to agree with Rudy & congragulate you on turning your life around. Going to Tibet may or may not be a good idea for you. I can only tell you my story. I went to the Philippines, a third world catholic country & for me it was a turning point in my life & made my alcoholism disappear into the background of my mind. I met my wife there & saw poverty & hardship like I'd never seen it before. At the same time I also saw friendship, generosity & family values like I'd never seen it before. I could go on forever telling stories of things I've seen there & experiences I had. For a person that suffers alcoholism I believe it could be an invaluable experience. As a matter of fact there's a drug & alcohol rehabilitation centre here in Australia that as part of it's treatment sends the patients to Cambodia to do community work, building schools & clinics etc. I'd caution about getting involved in activism at this stage of your recovery. You may find that its too emotionally draining on you & you're also dealing with governments that don't have the same rules as most western governments & in Tibet its the Chinese government that you'd be dealing with. Don't write travelling abroad off completely but think about how you can help people without annoying bureaucracies. Good-luck & best-wishes. Shaun. |
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graham
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Posts: 96
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Post by graham on Apr 30, 2013 17:53:36 GMT 1
Off topic, but I was in Cambodia over the winter. Beautiful country with very, very nice people. Definitely a country in need of some serious help. Like your story about the Philippines, I had never witnessed lifestyles quite like those of Cambodians. My personal feeling was that the best gift a Westerner could give to any Cambodian (or perhaps any underdeveloped country) is to teach them English. That opens so many doors for them to go to school, get jobs, etc... and have the resources to look after their own families and solve their own problems. I felt that was a much better way to help out than simply provide some temporary relief, such as food or shelter. I have often felt that if I if don't settle down in the U.S., I would go to some country like that and teach English. Regarding Brian, maybe that is something impactful you could consider doing if you were interested...
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dan
Senior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by dan on Apr 30, 2013 20:14:00 GMT 1
Hey Brian.
“I see clearly how my mind is so dysfunctional and compulsive.”
If this is true, it must have been a mere glimpse. Even so, if it is true, this is where you might want to focus your energy. If you repeatedly bring your attention to this seeing, the rest—everything else you wrote after that statement—may pass through your mind, but its significance will have less weight, less meaning, because your energy is in the watching rather than feeding the emotive expression. Instead of embracing and embodying the I’s complaints, you’ll be watching a piece of mental performance art, which is kind of what your initial post here seemed to me to be: an illustration of how a moment of clarity can be lost in our habitual, patterned thoughts/emotions. That initial post cracked me up because that’s how I read it. I too, having noticed your improvements, thought that maybe you’d come back and point out all kinds of dharma points that you were illustrating.
One example: “I see clearly how my mind is so dysfunctional and compulsive. I truly wonder if I have any control over it.”
A moment of clarity is followed by a moment of doubt. Which gets more expression?
This is one of the points where mindfulness and patience is so important. It’s so easy to get lost in our stories, be they about the world or about me. But with practice, we begin to find the opportunities to disrupt “the same old story” which is already in progress, its having started without our awareness. And we need patience since we’re trying to become habitually mindful of, rather than habitually expressive of, our negative thoughts, which can be so persistent.
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ed
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Post by ed on May 1, 2013 1:57:27 GMT 1
I started fasting every-other-day about 5 years ago. I felt like a sluggish, worthless slob at the time...freshly divorced...and of the mind that it was all my fault. Brian, after five years of fasting every-other-day, now at 48 years old, I literally feel at the top of my game. I have never ever felt healthier and more alive. It, fasting, cleans out up to 20 pounds of undigested fecal matter from our large intestine; sorry to be graphic, but it is what it is. The feeling of being clean-in-the-belly is a high beyond any I've ever had. (and I had every chemical high known) Even my ex and myself are good friends. I recommend fasting...starting slowly...maybe every third day. I promise you. I promise you Brian: it will turn your colon, err... I mean your life, upside down and inside out.
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brian
Senior Member
Posts: 83
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Post by brian on May 1, 2013 6:09:49 GMT 1
Thank you all for such great advice, sincerely. I guess I underestimated the buddhahood of an online forum for it's wisdom and generosity. You are all great creatures of "God's" existence. Toungue in cheek, let's say endless reincarnatons.
Alluding to grahams post, I actually have looked into teaching English to Asian countries and elsewhere. This could be a great avenue to my greatest aspiration of liberation from my ugly selfishood.
I have many attachments but they could be overcome. I am seriously on the fringe of self renunciation. But there are still some things I worry about, and want, and know that through the power of the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha will only be able to transcend. You guys are really cool, I want you to know that.
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tamara
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Posts: 178
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Post by tamara on May 1, 2013 11:28:14 GMT 1
Now, Brian, put your money together,
take the next flight and come to the Himalayas.
Stroll out of the airport, say `monastery` to the next person
you meet and then see where karma leads you.
I am NOT joking.
Tamara
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shaun
Full Member
Posts: 21
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Post by shaun on May 2, 2013 5:30:41 GMT 1
Now, Brian, put your money together, take the next flight and come to the Himalayas. Stroll out of the airport, say `monastery` to the next person you meet and then see where karma leads you. I am NOT joking. Tamara There's a lot of sense in that Brian. If you don't gamble you wont win. |
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brian
Senior Member
Posts: 83
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Post by brian on May 3, 2013 2:23:05 GMT 1
Ha, ha that would be quite drastic and adventurous. I guess it's possible but of course there is a great amount of reluctance. I do have attachments here at home, albeit rather superficial in comparison.
I'm not really cut out for the monk's austere lifestyle. I would be looking for better food, rock music, alcohol, entertainment, games and wanting to sleep in everyday. My defilements are too strong and I have a mild form of O.C.D. I would enjoy the scenery and hiking, traveling and new experience but my mind would be thinking what I SHOULD be doing rather than focused on meditating for hours and hanging out with a bunch of buddhist monks. Of course these are all lame excuses though.
I don't know. It's a big decision. It's an option I guess.
I know that I need some purpose to my life and that voyage seems pretty amazing. I think my biggest fear is loneliness when it comes to traveling afar.
But for how crazy it sounds, it seems to be my karma.
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Post by Rudy on May 3, 2013 21:45:20 GMT 1
I think my biggest fear is loneliness when it comes to traveling afar. That remark really surprises me; from your posts I imagined you to be quite a lonely person...  You say you are a loner, so why be afraid of loneliness? |
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graham
Senior Member
Posts: 96
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Post by graham on May 4, 2013 16:45:23 GMT 1
I promise you. I promise you Brian: it will turn your colon, err... I mean your life, upside down and inside out. Easily the best advice anyone has ever written in the history of this forum  |
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jeff
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Posts: 128
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Post by jeff on May 4, 2013 21:35:23 GMT 1
Brian, I completely understand where you are coming from.
Sorry to tell you that you must give up drinking (and all drugs) completely. There is no alternative.
That doesn't mean you need to do it today but you will need to do it completely.
You are very intelligent (as I'm sure you know) and could also surely benefit from a talented psychologist with whom you could form a trusting relationship and continue to get closer to the conventional source of your dissastisfaction. This is a very hard thing to try to do alone. Even though you consider yourself a loner I completely understand your feelings of loneliness. It's a really difficult situation to be in but it also gives you a very unique view.
Your extreme sensitivity is a true gift, though it rarely feels that way. It provides you with an understanding of yourself and a potential to help others that few people experience.
Buddhism will help you tremendously but the drinking must stop so you can see clearly and develop more love for yourself. The love you claim not to have for others will become apparent in time.
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brian
Senior Member
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Post by brian on May 5, 2013 8:26:05 GMT 1
Thx Jeff, I appreciate what you said. I usually only hear very abstract buddhadharma from you which I usually don't understand but it is nice to see some direct comments. I know you are right about drinking. It is a strong attachment that keeps me from becoming free from self indulgence. I wish good fortune and liberation for you also.
Concerning loneliness, which comes to a surprise to Rudy, I think this is something which is evasive for me. Solitude is something I inherited from my father. Yet my mother is outgoing and caring. I have family and friends and a female lover I associate with daily. I enjoy being by myself to an extent but I may seem to exaggerate it to my own detriment. I have people I care about and people who care about me but I neglect them in pursuit of selfish pleasures and too many aversions like shame, fear and neglect.
I know a child whom I love that is manifest into this world because of me but I am reluctant to spend time with him. I'm not his biological father but in a very real sense his karma creator. I've seen him as a buddha in my imagination but I am just so passive. Yet he is still very young and brilliant. He may be a reincarnation of some wonderful human ancestor. It is probably stupid for me to think this kid is a buddha but if I ever see him building elaborate sand castles on a beach somewhere in a total Zen moment, I will have to say I've crossed that intellectual shore. There is a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenaince that I think I want to read again. I think this is my favorite piece of literature.
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