iane
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Post by iane on Jan 8, 2016 8:02:57 GMT 1
Hi there, some of you might remember me from the old forum where I wrote something that is very similar to the problems I am facing today. Back then, I had to make the decision to leave my boyfriend to go back to my home country in order to take on a job, and how I felt paralyized by the move. Well, now, five years later, I feel like I am at a similar point again. I have worked in this job for five years - it is okay, it is not really something I am super passionate about, but my workmates are nice and it paid well. Now there was a restructuring and I took the initiative and asked to be let go by the end of January. I had always dreamed about being able to take a year off and go to Asia, be able to go on (longer) retreats and teachings for a while. In 2014, I spent all my saved-up vacation time and did the November course in Kopan, which was an amazing experience, and I felt very "at home" there. I felt like I for once really saw my purpose in life, and I didn't really want to leave. The job gave me a lot of stability, a daily routine, and security - and for the last five years, I was at peace with my depressions and anxieties. Now that I decided to give this up, they are back  . It feels like I made no progress at all working on my problem with changes, my attachment, my inability to grasp inpermanence. I feel completely overwhelmed by the task of clearing my appartment: what to store, what to get rid of. I feel overwhelmed by the tasks of sorting out what insurance contracts to quit and which to keep on paying during my time away. I feel overwhelmed by the paperwork involved with unemployment insurance, dealings with my landlord, the phone company, everything. It is totally obvious that I have attachment issues, but I don't know how to deal with it right now. Yesterday during meditation on the 8 worldly concerns, I went into panic mode. I wanted to break off the meditation and distract myself again with watching upbeat TV-shows. Numbing the pain, as Tamara put it in another thread. This is my go-to-painkiller right now. I can't really focus on meditation anymore. My whole focus shifted again from wanting to achive englightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings - and now I am again just focussed on my own tiny world which I take as permanent. I still work with refugees in my free time, but now I feel even as if that had little importance - as if my first world problems of not knowing how to deal with all my belongings and the decisions which retreat to go to first were anything like their problems of having family members killed and leaving everything behind forever. I am sorry, this is not a classical buddhist issue. However, I would really appreciate your input. I really feel at a loss here. I don't know how to stop this ego-centricity, it feels like my brain is not functioning properly anymore. And I realize that so many teachings I probably only grasped rationally, but never internalized enough to now employ them . Cheers, iane |
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matt
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Post by matt on Jan 8, 2016 19:15:31 GMT 1
Hi Iane,
I am sorry you are having trouble. The first thing that occurs to me after reading your post is you may be compounding your suffering and current difficulties by judging yourself too much. It does not help process powerful emotions to judge them, and say to yourself, "I should not be feeling this." The decisions you have made have created a situation that is very frightening for you. Okay, so give your self permission to be afraid. Try to spend a few moments every hour or two actually feeling the fear and anxiety that is arising inside you. Let yourself become gradually familiar with this: actually feeling fear and anxiety is uncomfortable, but it will not kill me.
When you went on your last retreat, you knew you had the security of a good job waiting when you returned. What you are facing now is more scary. That is okay, but the fear will only be disabling as long as you try to repress it. This gives it too much power.
That is my advice for now.
Nice to hear from you,
Matt
Oh and I think it is a very good issue to face, for anyone, Buddhist or not. What you have done takes a lot of courage and the reasons for it are very good. The fact that it is very scary and brings a lot of powerful issues to your attention is a fantastic opportunity. We all can feel enlightened when everything is going our way. Feeling like you should know better than to have strong attachments and fears for your financial security is too judgmental. Just feel the fears as much as you can as often as you can, and throw the self-judgment in the trash can. You are doing awesome things, imo.
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iane
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Post by iane on Jan 10, 2016 13:18:02 GMT 1
Dear Matt,
thank you very much for your kind reply. It is excellent advice, and I am trying to put it to my heart. You are right, I might be judging myself to harshly. I think a lot of it is disappointment that I haven't made the progress I thought I had - the last few years have been the first without any serious anxiety and depression issues for pretty much all my life - and now i feel that it had a lot to do with the circumstances. But I really shouldn't be so hard on myself - three years ago, I went through a bad breakup, and I managed that pretty well already.
I got Pema Chödrön's book "When things fall apart", and it is a great read for me right now. One quote is "Buddha nature, cleverly disguised as fear, kicks our a** into being receptive". So true. I guess I needed this - maybe not to the extend it is presenting itself right now, I could do with a little less.
So I am trying to face the fear - it still overwhelms me sometimes, but I try as Matt suggested and admit it for at least a short while to familiarize myself with it.
At the same time, I am thinking about going into a classical psychotherapeutical "rehab" first for a few weeks, in the hopes that it stabilizes me enough to actually face the troubles of travelling in India and being receptive to any teachings. A little voice in me is also judgmental of me going into rehab, saying "but this is just another escape you are looking for, an easy way to avoid the pain". But what good did it do if I ended up stranded somewhere in Asia, deep in depression, with no help whatsoever... I am trying to be more gentle with myself.
Thank you all for reading - any thought on this is very much appreciated!
iane
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tamara
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Post by tamara on Mar 9, 2016 5:30:52 GMT 1
Iane, it`s 9th March,... I wish I had looked into this website before.
Hope you are o.k., somewhere in Asia probably ?
As Matt wrote:
While diligently practicing what Buddha teaches us, we are surprised that all the feelings of confusion still come up.
Point is:
They definitely do come up for a very very long time.
Question is how to deal with them and this is where very slowly the results of practice kick in.
This takes time.
Patience is required and an environment which kind of helps you while dealing with this stuff.
All this is an `upwards movement`, even if one does not believe it in times of confusion.
I hope you have this stabilizing environment in times of need.
Often it is just a few words with people or being in nature.
Tamara
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 21, 2017 10:29:44 GMT 1
Hello you all!
It's more than one year later... I did go to rehab center last year for two months, then on to the subcontinent.
I felt I had a good time, learned a lot in different courses and retreats. I tried figuring out what to best do with my life, how I could actually benefit others, and not just by earning money that I can donate and viewing my job as Dharma practice (that never really worked for me).
I feel I suffer from low selfesteem - thinking that I can't do it. I get disheartened by all the suffering in the world, and I feel I get nowhere closer to enlightenment, and can't actually help anyone. This is basically another form of laziness, isn't it. While I was in retreat or between retreats, I always felt so empowered and positive. But now, I took a three week home-visit back to Europe, and without the supportive environment, I am completely lost again. People don't really get what I was doing, so I don't talk about it. When in India, even when I wasn't doing any Dharma stuff right now, at least I didn't feel so completely disconnected while among people.
I haven't come up with any idea how I can make myself feel more useful in any job and how I can lead my life. I am longing for a house to feel at home in, where I can work on a project I feel passionate about, do my practices, have my dog and a garden, but this is all just another fantasy. First of all, where would this ideal place be located, anyway?
Ven. Lobsang Namgyal, an experienced Australian monk, called this "doing interior design in the septic tank of samsara". It's quite accurate I guess, this shouldn't be where my focus is on right now.
Yes, I am hard on myself again, but it is impossible not to feel that I am making no progress.... :/ I try believing what Tamara said, that it is all part of an upwards movement, but in a moment of despair, I am not even convinced of that anymore!
Warm wishes,
iane
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tamara
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Post by tamara on Jul 22, 2017 2:22:19 GMT 1
Ha, I understand every word you are saying, except that my problem is not low-self-esteem but probably arrogance, lol. Both are sides of the same samsaric coin.
Funny that I asked Ven. Lobsang Namgyal this spring `what kind of Dharma-related job I could do to be of benefit` (the project I was leading part of ended after 14 years, so I am kind of free now).
Ven. Namgyal just rolled his eyes and he is right to do this.
EVERY job is JUST FINE as long as it does not violate basic ethical codes.
Dharma-related or not, it`s our mind/our attitude which makes everything complicated, lol.
It`s not the job.
Iane, do you have a Dharma practice you can connect with, like a liturgy or whatever for let`s say 30 minutes a day which includes a bit of so-called meditation ?
This keeps one going and connects with one`s teacher who ever we feel is our teacher ( = basic sanity in human form).
This regular coming back to a glimpse of sanity is our line of support while we feel messed up.
Tamara
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Post by Rudy on Jul 22, 2017 16:12:54 GMT 1
Hi Iane, You actually touch on many important issues here, and I think probably all of us struggle with them at some stage... Just a few ideas to reflect on: - I feel I get nowhere closer to enlightenment: that's like a silly expectation that with hardly doing anyting, we can suddenly be enlightened - better have no expectations at all, just practice! - Don't you have a center where you go to at home? Like-minded people around us are very important in the practice: this is the whole idea about sangha, and that monks and nuns chose to live in a monastery. Not many people are strong and disciplined enough to go it on their own; and even those may end up quite lost when they don't regularly meet others who can inspire them in one way or the other. - The location is rather unimportant, but what you do is important! As Tamara said: a daily practice (or two) is impoortant for everyone. Lama Zopa often reminds people that you can make real progress during a retreat, but you need regular daily practice to avoid immediately falling back again in old habits. With daily practice you can hope to hold on to some of the things you have learned in retreat. - Making progress or not, the bottom line is that when you quit practice, there can be no progress. - I'm into Buddhism now for 30 years: did I make any progress? Hard to see: I can give a Dharma talk to beginners, I can lead some meditations, but I can certainly not save the world (yet). The only real thing I can point at is that I've been trying to practice every day during all those years. I just hope it is enough so I have sufficient good karma to be a 'real' practitioner in my next life, with some genuine realizations. The only realization I have now, is that there is still a very long road ahead with my stubborn, egoistic mind.... Fortunately, I am stubborn enough not to give up, and egoistic enough to want to end all problems  - I worked as a volunteer or low-paid jobs in Dharma centers most of these 30 years - enabling others to follow courses and retreats, I just hope that's also on my white karma-account. Not an option for you? - I can't beat the quote from Lobsang Namgyal! Basically, I also see that there is no sensible alternative then trying to practice. Still, the temptations of laziness in all it's forms is always present, and all too often I indulge in it. On the other hand, we need to give ourselves time to have a break as well  Love & clear light, Rudy |
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 22, 2017 21:22:11 GMT 1
Dear Rudy, Dear Tamara, thank you so much for your posts and input! Yes, I know it is unrealistic to expect to see enlightenment at the end of the tunnel with the little practice I do, that's absolutely right and quite arrogant indeed . I meant more in the sense that it will take me so many eons of hard work - when you look at all the enlightened beings, they worked so unbelievably hard for such a long time! I am sometimes looking for shortcuts in my already short daily practice! And at the same time, I still do sooo many negative things. At the current pace, I am not even breaking even. And the fact that I know that, but still can't get into the practice is what frustrates me. Sure, I will create imprints, and in a future life maybe do better. But I am such a procrastinator, and I feel in my case this is just another kind of procrastination hoping for better outcomes in the next life! I fear I am quite egoistic and stubborn too, but not in a way that propells me forward :/ Anyhow, yes, I guess the secret is to keep going, even if it is just a little each day. I do some practices every day to remain some of the connection and energy (some Guru Yoga, Lamrim and mantras), but it often feels more like a chore than actually coming from the heart, if I am honest! It would be great if I could find some like-minded people to start a study group wherever I end up settling down. I'm sort of attached to the FPMT, and there is only one center in Germany in Munich, and I can't afford to live there. I know it is super heard to do it alone, and that is exactly the core of my problem! I don't really know how to build that support system for myself out of thin air :/ Ok, enough of the whining for today. Sometimes I think I'd be better suited for a theistic believe system where I can push responsibility to god instead of having to do it myself Thanks for your input. You definitely are part of my support system that keeps me going and sane! iane |
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tamara
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Post by tamara on Jul 23, 2017 7:02:44 GMT 1
Iane wrote:
``I meant more in the sense that it will take me so many eons of hard work```
It does not have to be eons. It can be shorter.
Nobody knows how long it will take.
Can be next week if you have a major shift. No joke.
``And at the same time, I still do sooo many negative things.``
Yes, it is not helpful to kind of beat oneself up because of this. Maybe you are too strict ?
Do you constantly commit the 10 negative actions ?
``And the fact that I know that, but still can't get into the practice is what frustrates me.``
Be kind to yourself ;-)
If the practice feels like a chore then make a break until the practice-interest comes back by itself.
Feel free to make a break until it feels right and special again to practice.
It always worked for me, even if during breaks I feared that I`ll lose the access, the knowledge and everything. Interest in practice always kind of automatically came back and I was in awe again.
I think you can connect FPMT and Nyingma/Kagyu teachings and find a Center nearby in this way. It worked for me.
It is the same `stuff`, just the terminology and approach is different. I found it very enriching to understand both kinds of approaches.
Tamara
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Post by Rudy on Jul 23, 2017 12:53:53 GMT 1
Hi Iane, Fully agree with Tamara: - The main purpose of the practice of Tantra in Tibetan Buddhism is that with it, one can make the transformation in a few life-times rather then eons. Not an easy path for sure, but less of an 'endless' trip as the other methods. - Important not to just focus on what you do wrong! As Tamara said, hard to believe you are continually killing, stealing, lying etc.? Do not forget the incredible power of rejoicing about everything you and others do good every day: that can really change your mindset! Just a couple of minutes every day to remember how many people have helped each other that day not only multiplies your own positive karma, but also changes your mind to focus more on positive things; so important in our modern society where media always focus on negative things... - As I understand from my teachers, what we often consider 'good practice' may create some positive energy, but the practice for which we need to push ourelves are way more transformative. And don't underestimate the 'small' actions! When Bill Gates donates a million dollar to a charity, it very likely means much less then you or I give one dollar! - The Budhist world is much bigger then just the FPMT! It is probably the best place for me, but as they say: better a to have good neighbor then a far friend - Don't create limitations where there are none; very small good actions are good too, the Buddhist world is much bigger then the FPMT, having full resposibility for your own life is just another definition of real freedom! Love & clear light, Rudy |
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tamara
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Post by tamara on Jul 23, 2017 13:10:34 GMT 1
Hmm, we do not know if Iane practices Vajrayana.
Just wanted to make her slightly curious when saying `Buddhahood next week`, LOL.
Vajrayana is a huge topic, not to be taken lightly.
Better to practice Vajrasattva purification as a preliminary and one day one realizes `oops, I am somewhere else than I was 1 minute before`, LOL.
Tamara
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 23, 2017 20:02:38 GMT 1
Hello you guys! Thank you for your input!! It's very much appreciated, every single word you write. Yes, I am constantly beating myself up, and now I am probably beating myself up over that as well...  Yes, I am aware of how it can be so much faster with tantric practices, and sure there might be a possiblity that it just clicks at one point, but I am quite certain that I needed to take the practice more seriously for that to happen in this or the next few lifetimes. Also, to think long term *usually* helps me not to expect too much at once and to not push myself too hard, but give me some space. I guess sometimes the "numberless eons" are helpful as a motivation, sometimes the "can be any minute now" view. I guess the same goes for the view on how much negativities we commit - Ven. Robina once actually told me when I asked her about exactly that, that I would be crying out of happiness if we knew what good imprints we are creating all the time. Forgot about that. I rather remembered the approach that tries to coax you into practice *now*, which is: even unknowingly, we rejoice in all the wrong things, create negative imprints all the time, etc. pp., so be more mindful and practice as hard as you can! And yes, I wouldn't mind if there was a Nyingma or Kagyü center nearby either and would go there - but so many places in a three hour radius only have Ole Nydahl's diamond way centers, if any, which is absolutely not for me (I tried), or vietnamese or thai centers. That's why I thought FPMT study group.... Also thanks about the tipp about the daily practices. I might skip some of it for a few days. You might be right, Tamara, that I will want to continue doing them sooner rather than later. It is so great that you help me reevaluate some of my thought processes here. This is so incredibly helpful for me right now! And I will rejoice in your kind assistance you are offering me here, among others thank you. |
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 23, 2017 20:06:52 GMT 1
Ha, I conveniently missed this passage that Rudy wrote:
"but the practice for which we need to push ourelves are way more transformative". That's an interesting point again as well. How exactly do you mean this, Rudy? Does it mean "pushing" in the sense of a practice that doesn't come easily to us? Or pushing as in doing more than our comfort-loving self wants to do?
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 25, 2017 15:05:48 GMT 1
Hi, me again.
I am having a really hard time right now, and I am sort of ashamed of it, too, because what reason do I have to be unhappy compared to so many others that have it way worse? My problems are first-world-problems, but they seem so overwhelming for me right now.
Regarding the negativities again - I emotionally just can't shake the belief that I am creating lots of them. When I walk the dog for example, I step on so many ants and critters on the ground. Sure, I don't intentionally kill, but even with ignorance, there is some Karma created. Or I eat some berries from the bush, and sometimes I see tiny worms or spiders in them, but sometimes I don't and they get eaten as well. I could cry when I just think about that, and all the suffering in the world, and it does not feel attainable at all that I could ever be more help than harm.
It just makes me so unbelievably sad that I can't help creating harm. Or all the people I hurt, like for example now my parents because I am leaving again, or my dog who doesn't understand why I don't come back.
Sure there is some Buddhanature somewhere in me, but not much of it is showing, and much more of what I do seems hurtful. I am probably not really convinced that there is Buddhanature and that enlightenment is possible, otherwise I would act more rational and simply practice without all those expectations.
Essentially, I would like to dig myself a hole, but that isn't helping anyone either, and samsara just continues. I feel so terribly powerless and have such a negative outlook on life and future lives right now.
When I think of the Lamas, it usually encourages me, it reminds me that someone was able to do it. But now I am just comparing my actions and state of mind with theirs, and think: "no way I ever get like this".
Do you guys ever have moments like this? What can you suggest I do to overcome this?
iane
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Post by Rudy on Jul 25, 2017 16:33:22 GMT 1
Hi Iane, With pushing ourselves, I simply meant the things that require effort. During meditations for example, it is possible to feel nicely relaxed and comfortable, but these are not necessarily the moments that we make the most progress. When we struggle with our own mind, that is where we can learn to understand and control it. Basically, it is just like with sport; unless you push yourself to go beyond your limits, you will not advance. We build up muscles when we push ourselves, not when we hang out in a chair.... Don't compare yourself to others all the time, a problem is a problem, and ultimately, we create all our problems ourselves! It is true that we cannot live without harming other living beings. Given that fact, we have the responsibility to make the best of our lives. Beating yourself up about it, will only make the sacrifice of the other living beings completely useless. Regarding your thought: 'no way I ever get like this'. Have you read the story of Milarepa? Basically he was a criminal using black magic to kill people. He still managed to become a Buddha in one life time. People can achieve absolutely nothing when they think they cannot do things. Of course, you and I are ALMOST powerless at the moment when it comes to all the sufffering in the world or when we look at the incredibly long way to enlightenment, but if we do not simply put one foot in front of the other, we never get anywhere. Actually, it is worse, when we do not move in the right direction, we can be sure to drift in the wrong direction! Perhaps you can try to do an analytical meditation on whether you can really do nothing, check if you can really achieve nothing in your life, whether you never learned to read and write, cook, work in a job, take care of your dog, whatever. Just keep checking if it is true you cannot do anything. Meditate on this at least 5 minutes a day for a couple of weeks, and tell us what you discovered. 5 Minutes a day must be possible, no? You probably spend more time then that in the bathroom... Meditate while you are in the bathroom In addition, you may check out the website on what is written about depression and lack of self-confidence, perhaps there are some ideas in there... |
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iane
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Post by iane on Jul 26, 2017 8:21:08 GMT 1
Dear Rudy,
thank you for your kind words. It makes so much sense. Sometimes I just feel the responsibility is killing me, and I'd rather close my eyes and pretend life is business as usual, focus on feeling good and all without any further weight on my shoulders. Sure, that is self-betrayal, but it is a coping mechanism.
I've read the story of Milarepa a while ago, and while it is inspiring, I found it also a little demotivating. Because Milarepa understood his wrongdoings and then worked so hard to go the right way. I felt like I couldn't sacrifice like that. Often I pray that in my next life, I will be like Milarepa and follow the Guru's advice perfectly.
I really hope this is just the depression talking in me right now, and that feeling is not permanent. Well, nothing is, but you know what I mean.
Thank you,
iane
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Post by Rudy on Jul 27, 2017 9:27:50 GMT 1
Just saw this quote from Lama Yeshe, and had to think of this thread: " If the mind is occupied by the expectation, wanting such higher realization and wanting something power trip, spiritual power trip, cannot be relaxed and calm. Therefore cannot grow, cannot reveal universal wisdom, wise wisdom." "Often I pray that in my next life, I will be like Milarepa and follow the Guru's advice perfectly." Excellent practice, but, as you said yourself, that should not be an excuse to not practice right now. It's Wheel-turning Day today: make sure you do something extra today, as positive karma is multiplied! Love & clear light, Rudy Love & clear light, Rudy |
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Post by Rudy on Jul 27, 2017 16:34:04 GMT 1
And a very different quote from the Vajra Cutter Sutra that is food for thought: “Subhuti, whatever son of the lineage or daughter of the lineage takes up the words of a sutra like this, memorizes, reads, and understands, they will be tormented; will be intensely tormented. Why is that? Subhuti, because whatever non-virtuous actions of former lifetimes that were committed by those sentient beings that would bring rebirth in the lower realms, due to torment in this very life, those non-virtuous those non-virtuous actions of former lifetimes will be purified, and they will also attain the enlightenment of a buddha." So in my own words, in the context of your questions: if we go through suffering in life without practicing Dharma, we simply go through suffering - and suffering will continue forever in the future. If we go through suffering in life while trying to practice Dharma, we will go through suffering - but that will NOT continue forever in the future, and we will be able to cure others of it as well. The choice is ours, whether we like it or not... This is why I think the extra torment we take upon ourselves with Dharma practice is much like the muscle aches of a sporter; no pain, no gain. Trying to avoid all discomfort by not doing anything at all, leads to a very unhealthy body and probably early death... Sorry for preaching... Love & clear light, Rudy |
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tamara
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Post by tamara on Jul 28, 2017 14:55:22 GMT 1
Quote from www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcvEDXp9vPM Pema Chodron`s teaching: `Let things evolve at their own speed rather that having those ideals and concepts that one tries to measure up to` Great talk. Really soothing. Tamara |
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Post by Rudy on Jul 29, 2017 16:45:29 GMT 1
Came across this funny quote from His Holiness the Dalai Lama and thought of this discussion:
"If you think you are too small to make a differnce, try sleeping with a musquito."
Love & clear light,
Rudy
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. It feels like I made no progress at all working on my problem with changes, my attachment, my inability to grasp inpermanence. 
